Day 1 of the tour:

We arrived at the new hotel in Ho Chi Minh City where we’d be meeting our GAP tour group. There was a note for us from our tour leader saying we’d have a meeting in a couple hours. We went up to our room, it was more of a hotel than we’d experienced at Madame Cuk’s. There was an actual front desk with a guy in a uniform. There was no giant retarded man standing a silent vigilance. And the room was a real room. Beds with sheets and blankets. Ahhhh, a shower curtain, sweet.

We settled in and then went to a bakery that advertised wireless, and by “wireless” they meant not wireless. But they did have what looked like an Oregon Trail era computer that did have Internet access. Then we went to the Vietnam War Museum. Hmmm, all I can say is that I will no longer make any Vietnam War jokes. Probably not, anyways.

We got back in time for our meeting with Kaelin our group leader. She’s Canadian which made me immediately like her. She was white with dreadlocks which made Angelica immediately like her. She was one of those people that looked like she could be 22 but if you told me she was 38 I wouldn’t be surprised. She said “eh” a lot, but what do you want? She’s Canadian. We’d come to find out that she doesn’t have an apartment, or a room of her own. She lives from tour to tour with a few days off in between each where she lives in a hotel in Thailand, or with a friend in Thailand. It’s an interesting way to live, and I mean that in a good way. It’s a job I would envy if it didn’t mean having to go on regular cyclo rides.

The cyclo is a a seat attached to the front of a bike that you sit in while a little Vietnamese man pedals you around. We saw them around town and I vowed to Angelica that I would never ever ride in one. I pity the pour dumb bastard that would have to pedal me around.

So of course the first leg of our tour would be a cyclo ride around Siagon. We still hadn’t met the rest of the group as they had gone on the cyclo ride earlier, so it was just me, Angelica, and Kaelin. I was feeling kind of apprehensive about having another human being pedal me around but Kaelin, perhaps reading the look on my face told us that this is how they make their livelihood and that the government is trying to outlaw the cyclos from all the main areas of Saigon which will ruin these poor guys. So us taking a cyclo ride right now is helping them.

Ok. I would do it, but this was going to be really uncomfortable. Time for the fat American to be pedaled around town by the tiny Vietnamese man.

We walked and met Terry, our guide for the tour. He’d arranged the cyclo drivers and spoke pretty good English so he would be giving us little bits of history and trivia as we went. He was chubby for Vietnamese people, had glasses and was wearing a polo shirt. So the tour guide racket must be where the dongs are at in Saigon (If you missed it “dongs” are Vietnamese money, I know funny right?). When we met Terry he came up with a big smile and said, “Hi I’m Terry, I’ll be your guide on the tour, ok. Ok. Ok. Are you guys ready to rock and roll?”

Angelica would later say, “Terry, you had me at ‘are you guys ready to rock and roll.’”

Then we looked and saw our four cyclo drivers. Me and three people all about half to three quarters of my weight.

You know how every group of friends has that one guy that gets picked on? You love him or her, but you also think they’re kind of an asshole and you rip on them non-stop. I now know that this is a universal phenomenon. I could tell that three of the cyclo drivers were “cooler” than the fourth and I could see the three of them teaming up to guide me to the fourth one. I could not understand what they were saying, but I believe it was something to the effect of…

“hahahah, give the fat one to Jerry,” said cool guy 1

“Oh my god, totally make Jerry push the big one, what do you think he weighs?” said cool guy 2

“You think maybe 500 kilograms?” said cool guy three as they ushered me into Jerry’s chair.

“Oh thanks a lot assholes, you always make me push the big ones. I hate you guys,” said Jerry.

The tour was pretty boring. We went to the post office, and the main market which Ange and I had already gone to on our own where they had bags full of live frogs and a dude clubbing live fish, so that part was pretty cool. Then we went down a street full of electronics and by a church built by the French in miniature of Notre Dame. Throughout the tour when we came to a stop my driver would have to hop off and push the bike going then hop on and continue pedaling. But only my driver had to do this. Embarrassing? Maybe a little. But I tell you this in the spirit of full disclosure.

After our cyclo tour we finally met the rest of our group. All Canadians. I knew that I would be saying “eh” before all was said and done.