An honest cab driver is hard to find:

So cab drivers in Thailand are kind of like tailors in Vietnam. They don’t really listen to the location you want to go to, but instead take you to where they think you should go. If you tell them to take you to a specific shopping mall, they just hear the word “shoppeeng” and take you to what they think the best mall is. We learned this lesson the hard way. We left the palace and had a bitch of a time trying to find a cab to take us back to the part of town we wanted to explore next. So we picked a place that had a shopping mall so we could just use that as a point of reference for the driver. We finally found one that would take us, but we had to negotiate a price first. We told him the mall and showed it to him on a map. He nodded “yes” he knew the place. Remember we only picked this place because it was in the part of town we wanted to get to, and it was an easy frame of reference. But the cab driver took us to a different mall in a completely different location because it was “much better shoppeeng.” I guess it’s our fault for telling him the name, the address, pointing to it on the map, and paying him almost double what we would have by the meter. So we decided to just call an end to the day. We found another cab to take us to our hotel, and this time we were even more clear that we wanted this specific hotel, not a hotel that he thinks we’d enjoy more. Then we ate dinner at this restaurant. We both ordered pad Thai. The next day we caught a flight to the beach. We are so ready for the beach. Please no more walking. What’s that Angelica? You can’t wait to take long walks on the beach?

Angelica’s Corner: Where is Kevin?

It’s been a while now. Did he forget our meeting spot? Has the Bangkok heat really gotten to him and he is in the fetal position under the slight shade of this temple? Did he throw in the towel and head to the islands already? Does the Imperial Grand Palace have an intercom system? A Lost and Found? Oh, here he comes. That is an interesting smile… guilty of something.
ASM TO KGT:
So you went into the handicap stall because the rest were squatter toilets?
You pushed the handle and nothing?
Is this going to be a Larry David story?
Then what happened?
The lady attendant made you do what?
She really yelled at you?
So you tried the handle again?
Still nothing?
You thought you could get away?
She made you do what?
A garden hose?
How long did it take?
Are we going to be arrested?
At least I know where you were now. And where to look for you next time…

Bangkok day two:

This was a day of Buddhas, and temples, and boat rides, and heat, and sweating, and sore feat, and the return of the chaffing meter (I know you missed this feature).

We started by going to the golden Buddha. A cab driver took us and dropped us off a block away where there just happened to be a tiny temple with a small golden Buddha visible from the street. We looked at it, huh, not exactly a giant golden Buddha. We looked at the map. Huh, yeah we’re in the right general location. Oookay, so not as impressive as we thought. Then we looked down the street and saw a few people milling about. Ahhhh, we were at the wrong spot. We were so close to flagging down a cab too. We almost missed it. The real thing wasn’t that much more impressive, but it was still pretty cool. It definitely was golden, and it was a Buddha. The best part about this was meeting Johnny as Angelica dubbed him. He was this old guy that wanted to practice his English with us. We told him we were from California and he told us he had relatives there, relatives in Las Vegas California. And he was going to go visit them, then rent a car and drive from Los Angeles up to Seattle where he had more family. He’d been saving for a long time and was ready to go in exactly one year. He was extremely nice and sweet and told us we should take a Tuk Tuk (This is a motorized cart, like a golf cart only street legal and with much more exhaust) to the pier and take a boat ride through the canals and up the river to let us off at the Grand Palace. He even went down and negotiated the Tuk Tuk for us. It was really heart warming to watch this old guy talking to the young guy manning the Tuk Tuk. He told the young guy twenty, the young guy shook his head no and said forty. The old guy gave him a stern look and held up two fingers. The young guy then nodded his head yes, and looked and Angelica and I, and we all laughed at how cute this old man was negotiating.

So we took the boat up the river and into a system of canals. We saw houses built along the river, the places where most of the people of Bangkok actually live. A different side of the city. This side of the city had houses and a river.

The boat let us off close to the grand palace. And although I did not jump off and swim in the river you wouldn’t be able to tell by looking at me. I am a sweater. I sweat. The heat was stifling. And what better thing to do in the heat than to walk around a bunch. We started by walking to the temple of the reclining Buddha. I love the reclining Buddha. He’s just this giant golden man, we’re talking near statue of liberty sized, just lying down on his side. But it’s inside a building and at no point in time are you more than a few feet away from it, so you can’t really take the whole thing in at once. One corner of the building had a great breeze coming through. We stood in that breeze for a good ten minutes and thought about cooler times.

We left the reclining Buddha and walked to the Grand Palace. Tuk Tuk drivers along the way tell you it’s closed and they know a great place to take you that is open. They say this despite the stream of people walking into the palace. Well, at least they’re not honest. The palace has a rule against shorts so for the first time in my life I rented pants. I’m sure it won’t be the last, no wait, yes I am sure. We got in and walked around the complex. The buildings to me all looked like giant golden birthday cakes, covered in rippling golden frosting, and colorful beads of sugar. But listen to me, don’t try to break a piece off and eat it, they don’t like that there. They also don’t make it easy for westerners to go to the bathroom. This is where I became an ugly American just a little bit. I’ll let Angelica explain. Sort of.

Bangkok day one:

Bangkok has a sky train monorail type system. It’s easy to follow and get around on. So Angelica and I followed it to this little open air temple right in the middle of the city. We got off and were looking at a map so an older Thai business man asked us where we were going. We told him, and he walked us to it (he was going the same way, but still it was very nice). He and Angelica talked about stuff and I fell behind. Then we got to the temple and the man told us to pray for twins…Ahhhh so it’s that kind of temple, meaning fertility. The temple wasn’t very impressive visually, but when we stopped and looked at all the people praying in this little fifty foot by fifty foot patch of concrete with a statue of a goddess in the middle, then looked at the absolute urban-ness of the surroundings it did impress us. That this spiritual place could exist right in the middle of downtown Bangkok was kind of surreal. Although I have a spiritual existence every time I go to a hot dog stand in NYC, so I guess I’m no stranger to this phenomenon.

After the temple we got on the train again and went to Little Siam. This is where all the young kids go. It was no Harajuku, but it was still fun. Lots of high school kids in their school uniforms going into shops. Lots of clothing stores. Lots of music stores. Hair and nail places. You get the idea.

Then we walked to the Bangkok mega mall. This was eight stories of stuff that included a Dairy Queen. We were thinking about seeing a movie to get off our feet again, but nothing good was playing. So we left and took the train back to our hotel. We may have eaten dinner someplace but I don’t remember.

Angelica’s Corner: Hotel Rooms for Cheap

We’ve learned that it is a constant toss up whether the $12, $30, $65 or even $180/night room will be acceptable to Kevelica. I did the research, I read the reviews but still, that moment you unlock your door is still filled with hope and dreams.
We liked the $20 room in Ho Chi Minh City. One for our team. And we like our current “deluxe beach bungalow” on Koh Lanta. Funny that they label it Deluxe, since it is the cheapest, but nice that they gave us a title too. We have a view of the ocean, a little porch with chairs, a/c. We do have the bathroom-shower-all-in-one-so-that-you-have-to-remove-all-toilet-paper-for-it-not-to-get-wet-during-shower-process. And, we have a giant blue towel for a bed cover. No top sheet, just the towel. It does its job but there is that second during the night that you think, is this terrycloth? I’ll call this one even, half for us, half for the establishment.
Then there was our $30/night room in Bangkok. We arrived just before midnight from the airport. The lobby was as the pictures in Wallpaper showed- art deco interiors, books on the walls. The signs warning against Sex Crimes or any other bad behavior didn’t shock us. A sprightly bellhop lugged both our bags to the 4th floor with us trailing behind. He quickly and silently opened our door and turned on the a/c. It had a/c. It also had a swarm of mosquitoes, mental institute lighting that buzzed, sheets with holes and a plastic curtain for the bathroom door. Kevin, still suffering from the head cold, went to sleep right away. I finally took advantage of the Ambien samples and also passed out. Next morning at 9AM, Angelica was off to find us a new place, Conde Nast Traveler card in hand. By 11AM, after wearing our luggage as backpacks and sweating like the orchids that we are, we entered the glorious room at the Majestic Grand. We had marble and wood floors, heavenly beds, a fancy central controller for all lighting in the room and a concierge with a sense of humor. An ugly $30/night situation turned into a beautiful $130/night.

Kevin’s comment on Angelica’s corner: Now I am not a tough man, so this one night in Bangkok made me tumble, then it slapped me with the back of its hand, then it told me to go make it a chicken pot pie. That night in Bangkok and I are not on very good terms. But Angelica saved us. I’m still sick as a dog at this point and that room was going to keep making me sicker, one night in Bangkok at a time. Angelica went out and got us a room at a really nice place for nearly half price just by being a negotiating samurai. After one night in the new hotel I felt almost like Kevin again. Still not a tough man, but much less sick.

Bangkok

Flew into Bangkok. Exchanged money. Everyone we had talked to put the fear of god into us about cab drivers. We were sure the driver was going to swindle us somehow. But no, he was a nice guy, although he took the highway when we said we didn’t want to, so as to see more of the city and night. But that’s ok. He got us to our hotel. And at this point Kevelica learned something about itself. It has to do with how we will choose hotel rooms from now on. I will let Angelica explain.

Han Oi Vei these puppets are freaky:

When we got back to Hanoi we got to our hotel and then went to a water puppet show. You go into a little theater, where instead of a stage there’s a pool of water with a screen behind it. The puppeteers are behind the screen controlling the puppets with long sticks that sit under the surface of the water. If you don’t speak Vietnamese the story of this show is completely lost on you, but the puppets are kind of cool in a freaky sort of way. But after five minutes I got all I was going to get from this, and sadly I fell asleep. I was so so tired and sick. I didn’t mean to disrespect this cultural phenomenon but I didn’t think that Vietnam would mind. I mean, if Vietnam came to America and fell asleep at a baseball game, I’d just take off my jacket and tuck the tired little fella in, then carry him out to the car and drive him home after the seventh inning.

After the puppet show we went to get ice cream and then walk around in the old quarter. The thing about the old quarter is that it’s streets are named for what they are. I like that and do the same thing (my hammer is named Hammy, and I had two turtles growing up named Greeney and Swimmy). So one street translated to English would be Candy Street, and there’s Paper Street, and Kitchen Street, etc. One other thing about the old quarter that freaked Angelica out is their use of vermin. They dump all their garbage in the street so that rats and cockroaches can eat what they want of it, according to Kaelin our tour leader, they do this on purpose to get rid of all the biodegradable stuff. Then all the garbage that’s left over they simply burn. It smelled like, well, burning garbage. It made me so hungry. And by “hungry” I mean “not hungry.” And this was just in time to meet the rest of our group for our last dinner as a family.

It was subdued as both I and Alice (the token Italian) were sick. But it was still fun. Dan ordered roast “farm bird” off the menu out of curiosity for what a “farm bird” would mean to the Vietnamese people. We think it was quail.

After dinner we walked back to the hotel and I went right to sleep. I felt bad because I was so sick that I couldn’t get up the next morning to say goodbye to people. I could barely get out of bed until later in the morning. But I knew that Angelica still wanted to see the French Quarter, so I sucked it up, took some Sudafed and a much needed shower and we went. As nasty as the Old Quarter was, the French Quarter was nice. Big wide streets, lots of trees, pretty buildings. We went to the post office and sent some post cards (sorry if you’re reading this and didn’t get one, we lost our address list, so we were operating from memory. Chances are we tried to send you one and got your address wrong). Then I had to sit down. We sat until it was nearly time to leave for the airport, then took a cab back to our hotel, then split another cab with Jayson and Colleen as their flights were at the same time.

At the airport Jayson invented a game called Dong Asshole. The idea was to get rid of as many Dongs as you could. The person closest to zero wins. I had one caveat, that I could hold on to two five Dong coins for my nephews. Jayson and Colleen got down to almost absolute zero, they were left with one coin, but was less than one Dong so they had to be paid in what I think was a Cambodian penny. And then they got on their plane before Angelica and I were done. We had exactly 67 Dongs remaining. We went to a little stand and bought a water, it was 17 dongs. Then we noticed that Oreos and Ritz crackers were exactly 26 Dongs each. We used Angelica’s awesome haggling skills to get her to take 67 Dongs for the whole shebang. (Wow, shebang doesn’t register as a spelling error. Who knew?) We achieved absolute zero besting our Canadian friends. Ok, we’re away from the Cu Chi Tunnels…I think it’s ok…Here goes… U-S-A….U-S-A….U-S-A….